Ask Amy: Communication, in any style, is key when you need to express yourself

Dear Amy: I want to thank you for all your good (and sometimes quite entertaining) advice.

Here is the only thing I wonder about: How often does it really work to just TELL people something? You frequently say, “You should say to your friend, ‘thus and so’…”

While the advice might be good, and it’s necessary to be upfront and honest with people, I wonder how often saying “[whatever]” would actually resolve the problem. Or would it just start an argument?

My husband and I basically have a very happy marriage of 45 years duration. However, my dear husband has a short fuse. Even though I often mentally dither for hours about how to couch a complaint or suggestion in such a way that it won’t offend or upset him, it often doesn’t work. He immediately goes on the defensive, and then on the offensive, and we are in an argument that I had hoped to avoid.

I have sometimes resorted to emailing him, even though he’s sitting right across the room from me. This way, I can take time to “craft” my case or my request; then he can read it at leisure and respond after he’s had time to process it. We can present our “sides,” ask questions, and work through issues without having hot words fill the air. Different strokes for different folks, I guess!

— Still a Fan

Dear Fan: You have adjusted your communication style in order to elicit comprehension and an effective response. Well done!

When I counsel people to “say” something, I am really encouraging them to express themselves, in whatever way works best.

I grew up in an extremely creative, expressive, and entertaining family that nonetheless rarely communicated about “hard” feelings.

I thought that if I expressed difficult emotions, it meant that I was a “difficult” person. Later in life, I’ve learned that – sometimes – it’s OK to be difficult.

I have definitely chosen to communicate textually (text, email, letter) when it is important to get the words exactly right. I agree with you that this can often be the most effective way to communicate with a loved one. Each party has the time and space to take in what is being expressed.

When people choose to verbalize their feelings, it is helpful to choose the right moment and the right words (sometimes even practicing in advance). That’s why I try to inspire people by providing a little script.

As always, however, when you behave authentically, you must prepare for the other person to respond authentically – and (more often than not), that person goes off script! This is why it is so important to not only learn how to talk, but also listen.

Dear Amy: Why is it so acceptable to drink alcohol as an activity? Alcohol impairs judgment, disinhibits, often gets paired with other drugs, ruins families, leads to serious health problems, causes traffic and other accidents, and deaths.

Yet, people all the time get together to have a

Cultural Differences In Communication Style – Why Arabs Are Not Effective Communicators In Estonia

We all know that our success in life depends in a great deal how good communicators we are. New immigrants often believe that just learning vocabulary and grammar makes them effective communicators in Estonia and solves all the problems. However, in the long run they notice that they have misunderstandings and conflicts everywhere. By observing cultural differences in communication styles and practices of new immigrants in Estonia and other European countries, I have recorded several cultural differences that lead to conflicts and misunderstandings instead of success.

Recently we saw a case in media where a group of Arabs tried to change their drivers licenses in Estonia, however, caused a media event by threatening officials instead. The main reason for the conflict was that although Arabs spoke Estonian, they used totally different communication style than Estonians do. It was really interesting to see how the officials tried to explain the regulations according to their own direct communication style, however, as Arabs and Estonians have very different listening and speaking habits, Arabs did not get the message but perceived it as an unfriendly behavior and responded with threats. For Estonians, on the other hand, it is difficult to grasp that speaking volubly and with a rising tone might show sincerity in other cultures and thus they usually perceive it as an aggressive behavior.

There are enormous cultural differences in low and high context communication, in how to approach other people, how to say what is relevant, in body language, in direct and indirect communication styles as well as in values ​​and norms. Officials who analyzed the situation claimed that Arabs did not listen to them, that they spoke about irrelevant things, did not obey rules and threatened officials. Customer servants usually claim that Arabs don't understand the meaning of the word "no", they don't get that it really means that "something is not possible". They seem to think that they just have to explain longer and come back on the next day with bigger group and speak louder. According to my experience Arabs tend to use the same communication behavior over and over again in different situations in Estonia although they never reach their goals.

Arabic and Estonian cultures may be distinguished in terms of direct versus indirect communication styles. Estonian cultural preference is for clear and direct communication as evidenced by common expressions such as "Ära keeruta!" (Don't beat around the bush), "Räägi asjast! (Get to the point). As we see from these two examples Estonians use even less words to express these phrases than English speakers which means that they really prefer to get to the point as quickly as possible without wasting time as that is how they feel when someone talks too much about "irrelevant" things. In high-context communication, (such as Arabic) much of the "burden of meaning" appears to fall on the listener . In low context cultures (such as Estonian), the burden to accurately and thoroughly convey the meaning in one's spoken or written message appears …